topsy turvy

After a couple of weeks of settling in, I'm starting to be more generally optimistic about my personal and social life, mostly because I think I just stopped worrying about it. I rode down to the Oakland DMV office today and waited there for like 4 hours because I hadn't originally planned to do this today, otherwise I would have made an appointment. I feel better about riding my brother's bike around (which I still need to pay him for) now that I bought a cable lock to use in conjunction with the U lock that I have. I also bought some other materials to keep up with the bike's maintenance a bit. I met a cute girl at the bike shop and now that I think about it I should have really asked more questions about the area and activities to do related to cycling since she would probably know about that. Then again, I don't know how often that sort of thing happens to this person, and I never know when it's socially acceptable to flirt or not. Or if that's even welcome. Or even how to do it. Maybe this whole dismiss-all-concepts-of-relationships idea is backfiring on me to the point where I don't even know how to meet strangers because I can't read social cues. I'm in a whole new state with literally thousands of people I'd probably get along with. I need to start branching out more. My undergraduate method of making friends doesn't seem like it will suit me here, or serve me well, since I don't know anyone here really.

I had a bit of a scare this week as one of my friends told me about an assault that happened to her recently. It killed me, because there wasn't really much I could do about it (or can do about it, because the saga is ongoing), other than be supportive, but I don't even think I'm doing a great job of that. Another close friend told me that it's really alright, that it's not my job to protect my friends. And I know it's not. I can come to terms with that an accept that. I just don't know why I feel so remorseful or guilty for not being able to fix it. Maybe it's been ingrained in my head by all the protagonists in all the story lines I've been exposed to. You just don't sit idly by and watch your friends suffer.

First Impressions of Living in California

I've posted this elsewhere, but I've decided that I've been ignoring this for a while and needed to update it. This post was long enough to justify it, I think. I've only been here for a few days, so I haven't really experienced a whole lot. I can say this: It's like Bizarro World Texas. The state is huge and populous, with a large immigrant and Hispanic population. There are acres and acres of farmland, and semitrucks on the road carrying all sorts of goods everywhere, and there are even oil wells to compliment all of the windmills around here (Pretty much just like Texas). It takes hours to get from one city to another, even driving. There are large coastlines and gigantic trees, mountain ranges, and the state is so big there's a variety of different climates in different parts, and there are tons of free National Parks. These are all reasons why I love Texas, and reasons why I love America. Except it's politically opposite. The Republican Party doesn't control anything statewide, though they do have seats in the state legislature. There are some conservative areas in the south (like San Diego), just like Austin is one of the liberal bastions of Texas. There are tougher laws on emissions. Signs on the street remind you that if you smoke, your smoke "doesn't discriminate, it loves everyone." The governor actually had enough votes to approve funding for high speed rail, and is openly accepting and thanking Barack Obama for the Affordable Care Act, and plans to implement the Medicaid expansion. There is legitimate widespread support for extending civil rights to same-sex couples. People accept the scientific evidence for anthropogenic climate change, and actually care about the environment enough to really do something about it in legislation. There are massive budget shortfalls, just like in Texas, which goes to show that a state being controlled by either far left or far right parties doesn't make it immune to economic downturns. However, the governor actually did his best to not screw over poor people and students with the new budget. Which is news to me. There's always going to be a place in my heart for Texas, especially Austin. There's a swagger there, a sense of pride that is to a degree quite admirable. But until the political winds change, Texas will always be like a star-crossed lover. The one you want to be with but can't, because underneath all their potential, they're a self-destructive alcoholic whose pride occasionally becomes embarrassing vanity. And of course, the problems I have with the predominant culture are representative of my problems with America as a whole: There's a lot of racism, homophobia, anti-science, religious bigotry. Unfortunately, these things—despite all of the wonderful culture-blending, live music festivals, business prowess, and natural energy resources—often make Texas the laughingstock of the nation. But do I blame the people who live there? No, not most of them, anyway. I blame the leaders the people seem to keep electing. Things have been downhill (in my opinion) ever since Ann Richards was voted out of office (and George W. Bush stepped in her place, and now we have Rick Perry). Texas has the most installed wind power capacity in the entire nation. But when Obama called for eliminating Oil Company subsidies in favor of Renewable Energy Tax Credits, both senators from Texas voted down the proposal. Even though the opportunities for small-business startups with wind power are much greater. Those senators don't care about Texans. And I can't stand to live in a place where my elected officials don't give a shit about actual people. It's not all bad of course—city mayors like Julian Castro in San Antonio and Annise Parker in Houston actually care about their citizens, and the economic well-being of their cities—but it could be a whole lot better. It's for these reasons that I look forward to the next 5 or so years living in California. I've lived in Texas all my life, and it's time for a change of pace. I dont know if I'll ever go back or where I'll really end up, depending on how the political and cultural winds shift by the time I'm out of grad school. But I know that if I end up somewhere, it will be because that place is a good fit for me. I've learned from enough romantic relationships that there is absolutely no point in trying to make a fundamentally incompatible relationship work, and sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and keep going.