The Steps of a Career Track in Engineering Research

• Love working with your hands. 
• Love learning new things. 
• Love building and constructing experimental apparatuses to figure things out about the natural world. 
• Go to grad school to do more research like this.
• Learn that behind every physical process, there is a model.
• Learn that some models are incredibly complex and require many computational resources.
• Learn that in order to succeed in experimental research you must have a good understanding of these models and subsequently, the resources for how to use them. 
• Learn that this pretty much means learning more Linux and computer science than you ever thought you would as a Mechanical Engineer interested in fire and combustion processes. 
• Spend a lot of time learning how to use and build computational resources to build models. 
• Do not lose sight of the experiment you want to compare the model with. 
• Eventually lobby for an experimental approach to test the model. 
• Exist grad school as a very marketable person who has both advanced scientific software development skills as well as mastery of a few experimental techniques, particularly those that have to do with diagnostics. 
• Get awesome job. 
• Do awesome. 
• Be awesome?

topsy turvy

After a couple of weeks of settling in, I'm starting to be more generally optimistic about my personal and social life, mostly because I think I just stopped worrying about it. I rode down to the Oakland DMV office today and waited there for like 4 hours because I hadn't originally planned to do this today, otherwise I would have made an appointment. I feel better about riding my brother's bike around (which I still need to pay him for) now that I bought a cable lock to use in conjunction with the U lock that I have. I also bought some other materials to keep up with the bike's maintenance a bit. I met a cute girl at the bike shop and now that I think about it I should have really asked more questions about the area and activities to do related to cycling since she would probably know about that. Then again, I don't know how often that sort of thing happens to this person, and I never know when it's socially acceptable to flirt or not. Or if that's even welcome. Or even how to do it. Maybe this whole dismiss-all-concepts-of-relationships idea is backfiring on me to the point where I don't even know how to meet strangers because I can't read social cues. I'm in a whole new state with literally thousands of people I'd probably get along with. I need to start branching out more. My undergraduate method of making friends doesn't seem like it will suit me here, or serve me well, since I don't know anyone here really.

I had a bit of a scare this week as one of my friends told me about an assault that happened to her recently. It killed me, because there wasn't really much I could do about it (or can do about it, because the saga is ongoing), other than be supportive, but I don't even think I'm doing a great job of that. Another close friend told me that it's really alright, that it's not my job to protect my friends. And I know it's not. I can come to terms with that an accept that. I just don't know why I feel so remorseful or guilty for not being able to fix it. Maybe it's been ingrained in my head by all the protagonists in all the story lines I've been exposed to. You just don't sit idly by and watch your friends suffer.

First Impressions of Living in California

I've posted this elsewhere, but I've decided that I've been ignoring this for a while and needed to update it. This post was long enough to justify it, I think. I've only been here for a few days, so I haven't really experienced a whole lot. I can say this: It's like Bizarro World Texas. The state is huge and populous, with a large immigrant and Hispanic population. There are acres and acres of farmland, and semitrucks on the road carrying all sorts of goods everywhere, and there are even oil wells to compliment all of the windmills around here (Pretty much just like Texas). It takes hours to get from one city to another, even driving. There are large coastlines and gigantic trees, mountain ranges, and the state is so big there's a variety of different climates in different parts, and there are tons of free National Parks. These are all reasons why I love Texas, and reasons why I love America. Except it's politically opposite. The Republican Party doesn't control anything statewide, though they do have seats in the state legislature. There are some conservative areas in the south (like San Diego), just like Austin is one of the liberal bastions of Texas. There are tougher laws on emissions. Signs on the street remind you that if you smoke, your smoke "doesn't discriminate, it loves everyone." The governor actually had enough votes to approve funding for high speed rail, and is openly accepting and thanking Barack Obama for the Affordable Care Act, and plans to implement the Medicaid expansion. There is legitimate widespread support for extending civil rights to same-sex couples. People accept the scientific evidence for anthropogenic climate change, and actually care about the environment enough to really do something about it in legislation. There are massive budget shortfalls, just like in Texas, which goes to show that a state being controlled by either far left or far right parties doesn't make it immune to economic downturns. However, the governor actually did his best to not screw over poor people and students with the new budget. Which is news to me. There's always going to be a place in my heart for Texas, especially Austin. There's a swagger there, a sense of pride that is to a degree quite admirable. But until the political winds change, Texas will always be like a star-crossed lover. The one you want to be with but can't, because underneath all their potential, they're a self-destructive alcoholic whose pride occasionally becomes embarrassing vanity. And of course, the problems I have with the predominant culture are representative of my problems with America as a whole: There's a lot of racism, homophobia, anti-science, religious bigotry. Unfortunately, these things—despite all of the wonderful culture-blending, live music festivals, business prowess, and natural energy resources—often make Texas the laughingstock of the nation. But do I blame the people who live there? No, not most of them, anyway. I blame the leaders the people seem to keep electing. Things have been downhill (in my opinion) ever since Ann Richards was voted out of office (and George W. Bush stepped in her place, and now we have Rick Perry). Texas has the most installed wind power capacity in the entire nation. But when Obama called for eliminating Oil Company subsidies in favor of Renewable Energy Tax Credits, both senators from Texas voted down the proposal. Even though the opportunities for small-business startups with wind power are much greater. Those senators don't care about Texans. And I can't stand to live in a place where my elected officials don't give a shit about actual people. It's not all bad of course—city mayors like Julian Castro in San Antonio and Annise Parker in Houston actually care about their citizens, and the economic well-being of their cities—but it could be a whole lot better. It's for these reasons that I look forward to the next 5 or so years living in California. I've lived in Texas all my life, and it's time for a change of pace. I dont know if I'll ever go back or where I'll really end up, depending on how the political and cultural winds shift by the time I'm out of grad school. But I know that if I end up somewhere, it will be because that place is a good fit for me. I've learned from enough romantic relationships that there is absolutely no point in trying to make a fundamentally incompatible relationship work, and sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and keep going.

Death and Retirement Homes

For some reason today, I distinctly recalled that one particular moment of my sophomore year of high school where my encounter with death changed my perspective on suburbia:

I was walking around the track as one of our daily physical education activities with my friends ToniAnn and Edward. Mind you, this activity had become an every-other-day occurrence of philosophizing and generally talking or complaining about our difficult lives as 15 and 16 year old individuals, and it was something that I looked forward to for a good portion of that semester because I always seemed to have a good time.

There was that day, however, where I witnessed something particularly unusual and slightly unsettling. There was a retirement home next to my high school, and for most of my life the concept of a retirement home seemed a far away abstraction of the end of life since my grandparents had never been in a home themselves. Walking around the track that day, we witnessed one of the back doors to the complex open up and a couple of men in white wheel out a stretcher with a white sheet covering a lumpy mass that I could only assume was a body.

In that moment, I thought of how that dead person must have come to live and die in that place, wondering if their family lived in one of the nearby neighborhoods or whether any of their grandchildren or great-grandchildren attended my high school. It made me realize that with schools and offices and churches and restaurants an retirement homes all within a couple of square miles of each other, one could go a good portion of their lives without ever seeing the outside world.

This thought scared me, the idea of growing and learning and living and dying all in one place. I figured then that a lot of people, like myself, tell themselves growing up that they're going to go out and see the world, only to inevitably delay those plans indefinitely and forever remain grounded. I deeded then that I should really commit myself to at least seeing other parts of the county (maaaaybe the world), how other people and cultures live and thrive, if only for the personal learning experience.

Life's Rules through a Big Blue Guy

Cross-posted on my tumblr, but I felt like also posting it here.

I came to a strange realization this week while talking to a friend of mine going through a difficult time in life, and they consistently blaming themselves for the problems that they faced. I felt like that was too hard of a conclusion.

I thought back to the movie Aladdin, and remembered the three limitations that Genie placed on his ability to grant wishes:

1. Can’t wish for more wishes
2. Can’t make anyone fall in love.
3. Can’t bring anyone back from the dead.

I looked at these statements and extrapolated their meaning into a more metaphorical context. It’s a bit simplistic, I know, but the fact that these subtle understandings have been present in my life since I was a 2 year old in the 1990s still blew my mind:

1. In our lives we have limited resources, the most notable of which is time. We have to make decisions on how we spend our lives, and where we use the time that we have left. Are we going to be workaholics or lazy bums? Or somewhere in between? Are we going to have a career where we’re constantly looking forward to the weekend or where everyday is an unforeseen adventure? One way of living isn’t intrinsically better than the other, and we naturally look for balances in these things. There are pros and cons to every decision we make in our lives, but we can’t always have the best of both (or more) worlds. We have to make the best of what we’ve got.

2. We can’t really change the way other people feel about much anything; the way they feel about us, the way they feel about politics or religion. The most that we can do is be polite in an interview, not be assholes to our friends, rationalize and explain the issues that our important to us in a way that other people can relate to. A single memory lapse in picking up dry cleaning for a significant other isn’t the factor that makes them fall out of love with you. To an extent, I don’t really believe that we can control our thoughts and emotions; we can only control our actions corresponding to them. I have trouble sleeping at night because I think of death and eternity, always. There’s not a lot I can do to “force” myself to think of bunnies and rainbows instead, just like there’s not a lot you can do to “force” yourself to love another person if you really don’t feel it anymore.

3. This one is really direct and a little cliche, I feel, but I suppose we can expect this from a children’s movie. We can’t change the past. We can’t change the things we’ve said or done and we can’t bring back people who have left from our lives. The only thing we can do is take lessons we’ve learned from mistakes and use them in our future. Whether we plan for it or otherwise.
Sometimes I wish that my younger self had made these realizations sooner.

Materialism and Maturity

I am under the impression that most of my peers have transcended beyond considering the value of their material possessions in and of themselves very high, if at all elevated. I realize that it's one of those processes of becoming an adult; that the concept of "mine" is quite cumbersome and even on some level naively barbaric. I throw entitlement in general into the same category, but on a different plane, because while it's downright ignorant to feel entitled to replicable objects like televisions or mp3 players (or even physical money, more on this later), it's not so immature to feel entitled to a constitutional right or consciousness or health, because these things are not as easily replaced in the event of their loss or theft.

The other day I had a conversation with Colin about the material possessions that are most important to me, and in this order, they're probably:

1. My Computer
2. My Phone
3. My Car
4. My class notes
5. My textbooks for the current semester
6. My glasses (can't do much without them)
7. My wardrobe

I realized that it isn't so much the objects themselves that mattered to me, but rather, the functions that they served to me that are important.

My computer, while being a collection of metals and semiconductors and magnetic disks and electric circuits that has high monetary value, is also a means through which I communicate, work, and learn. Using my computer is a critical aspect of my education and of my job. And (along with my phone) it's a means through which I communicate to friends, coworkers, peers, as well as stay informed about the world around me. While the data I have on my computer is valuable to me and would be detrimental to me if it fell in the wrong hands, it is not a great concern to me because

• my computer's home folder is encrypted and is completely inaccessible  without my master password, and I can remotely wipe my phone from any computer with a web browser
• most of my valuable emails and all of my contacts are all stored in online servers with Gmail and MobileMe, and my most important documents (school, work) are all backed up 3 times over (Dropbox, MobileMe, and on my physical external backup disk). 
• my music collection is backed up on my physical external disk

I don't have to use this particular computer to continue living my life, my MacBook Pro is merely a conduit through which I access and use this data, and my phone is merely a conduit through which I access my peers and family, and the internet.

My car is merely a means for me to get from place to another, to get to the grocery store and back, and to help me move my stuff when I travel. It's a means for me to pick my little brother up from school if I have to, or pick up a stranded friend. If I were to get my car stolen or if it were to crash, insurance would probably cover a good portion of the replacement cost, and as long as I had my own life and health I could live on without it for a while. It is a task for which most automobiles are suited, and mine isn't particularly special. My newly acquired bike could help me get around in the meantime.

That being said, the aforementioned possessions are not entirely easy to replace for me even if I could continue without them (but the point is that they are replaceable), so I take great care to maintain my car and computer and my phone, not abusing them. That's why they're at the top of my list.

The loss of my class notes and textbooks would be detrimental to my semester and my education, which is one of the things I value the most that isn't a material possession of mine. However, I have digital copies of most of my books and I've been scanning most of my notes, which are digitally backed up online and elsewhere. However, looking at it in a conduit perspective, my notes are merely a means through which I attain that education.

My wardrobe is simply a means to keep myself warm and not naked, and to look professional in the workplace and in interviews. While the monetary worth of my wardrobe is probably significant, for the most part, clothes are clothes. It doesn't make me a better or more admirable person that my jacket or coat is from a particular store. The cotton that a shirt is made out of doesn't clothe me any less when I buy it on sale than when I pay full price. While my particular wardrobe is probably irreplaceable, the function that it serves can be fulfilled by any wardrobe. It doesn't matter where I bought my wallet or my shoes, it just matters that it can hold my money and that my shoes keep my feet from getting frostbite. I don't subscribe to fashion magazines for a reason, these things are irrelevant; I don't need a bunch of other people (who benefit from me buying clothes) telling me how I should dress.

I could continue with any number of material possessions I have (I try not to own useless things), but my point is that these objects are worthless to me irrespective of their function. While I've taken time out of my day for this tirade against materialism, I must acknowledge that as an engineer, I'm biased to value the functions of material possessions over other properties. Aesthetic considerations are for the most part, inconsequential to me.

"Like I say, money has no value, it's just how you spend it." 

—Jason Compson IV, The Sound and the Fury

It just seems to me that bragging or discussing these other properties ('well I have this kind of car', 'look at this brand of jacket that I just got', 'your brand is inferior to my brand because of xyz irrelevant properties') is just a stuck-up egotistical outlet that reeks of a 7-year old yelling 'hey, look at me, I'm important because of what I have, not because of what I can do'. It disgusts me. It's a shallow misconception that should be remedied in kids as soon as possible.

Spring Success 2011 revs up into gear

While my updates have been rather sporadic for the most part, a lot has happened since December. Most notably, I've been working for the Combustion Lab here at school. For about a week straight I worked with Colin until later hours, and didn't get home sometimes until 2 or 3 am. That being said, it was quite fulfilling. I really like working in that lab, I like building some of the apparatuses that we use in our experiments. We made significant progress while simultaneously experiencing numerous setbacks. I even made progress on a project that was started after I joined the group, involving a chemiluminescence detector, taking photographs and plotting real life plots and graphs. This work will be presented in a poster in March, along with a paper with the other stuff worked on over the break, and my name will be included in the authorship. I never expected that this could happen so fast or so quickly, but I'm very grateful to Colin and the group for giving me these opportunities.

Right now I'm looking pretty closely at UC Berkeley and Stanford for graduate school (still looking for others). Berkeley because I like the programs they have in Fluid Mechanics and Combustion research, with a lot of tools at my disposal. I'm interested in Stanford because of their Center for Turbulence research, since turbulence is one of the things that I've come to be fascinated with over the last year. We'll see how these prospects go. I want to take a trip during spring break to visit Berkeley (while simultaneously traveling with friends), so I hope that comes to fruition. MIT is another option, but from what I've heard, I may not really like it there very well. However, rather then dismiss the option outright, I'm going to talk to some recruiters this spring who are supposedly visiting campus and gather my own conclusions from there.

I'm excited that I'm laying down these foundations for my future career, and that I really have the potential to go places.

One of the classes that I'm enrolled in this semester is a cross-listed graduate course that a few undergraduates are eligible to take. While I'm excited about the class, it also concerns me because I know that the pressure's on to perform well in a small class as an undergraduate student. Hell, I spent the better part of the last few hours writing a MATLAB function to help me solve one of my homework problems, not because the problem asked me to, but because it would make the problem a lot easier.